The Ten Commandments of Mental Load Sharing
14 December, 2022 • Par Seasonal
Let's face it, talking about mental load, reviewing the rules of the game and teaming up as parents on a daily basis is a daily challenge that sometimes comes with a great emotional charge and requires good communication skills. To ensure that the exercise remains benevolent and constructive, don't neglect mental preparation!
Julie and Marie-Andrée from De Saison - Art de vivre et de travailler have prepared some reminders and some preparation exercises for you to make collaboration and communication more fluid throughout your exercise.
The Five Commandments for a Caring Parenting Team
1- You will visualize your dream parental team.
It is well known that great teams are excellent at visualizing their dream and it is this dream that guides them on a daily basis. Do you dream of developing a thunderous bond? Do you both want to improve your game as a parenting team? Establish a balance and build a fiery collaboration? What would that look like on a daily basis?
Each of you, take the time to visualize your definition of the ideal parenting team in every detail. Also take the time to put it into words, so that you can talk about it clearly. Remember that, to mobilize the other members of the team, your dream must be inspiring and win-win!
2- You will identify your needs.
“It’s better to speak in the first person” : is this advice you’ve already heard? We’ll go further by suggesting that you speak in the first person about your needs rather than letting the discussion slide into reproaches, perceptions, past situations or feelings for too long. Admit that “I need help” goes down better and is less refutable than “I think you’re not helping me enough”, right?
In addition, when our personal needs are clear (having more time for ourselves, slowing down the pace, resting, finding our weekends, working as a team), we can co-construct our solution around these and thus save a lot (a lot!) of time.
3- You will order your priorities.
“You can do everything, but not all at once,” is another popular adage. By adding the priorities of one spouse to those of another spouse, it is possible that we end up with too many priorities. Our mental load also comes from our desire to do too much and our desire to excel in everything and at all levels, all at the same time. We then spread ourselves too thin, and it has been proven: multitasking is less effective than single-tasking. To feel satisfied, it is better to identify our real priorities, in the right order. First individually, then together. We will then be able to commit to them together, plan our schedule coherently and avoid overcommitting ourselves elsewhere.
4- You will make space for the needs of others.
Teamwork means compromise and reconciliation of points of view. When we look for THE right solution, points of view confront each other! To transform confrontation into co-creation, it is necessary to leave space for the other to express themselves and to consider their dreams and needs even if they are different from ours. To get involved, everyone must feel seen, heard, autonomous and see meaning and pleasure in it (it's scientific). Lighten the atmosphere!
5- A common definition of success you will write.
Before you divide up the tasks and roles in your family, take the time to share your ideals and write a shared definition of success. How do you measure the success of your parenting team? Be factual and don't hesitate to define in specific terms what a well-maintained home, well-educated children, a healthy family life, a happy couple and parents are for you. Without falling into perfection, ask yourself what your threshold of satisfaction is and where "just enough" lies.
Organizing the family load over time: 5 commandments to move from intention to action
1- You will reserve some white time for yourself.
The first time :
Taking time out of your daily routine to organize your parenting team? Who has ever done that? Marriage preparation classes have long since ceased to be the norm, right? True, it is an exercise that, the first time, takes a little time, so why not break it up into several short moments and put them on the agenda? Like a meeting between associates, of course! At the office, we bring donuts, so think about making it pleasant and relaxed.
Over the weeks:
Co-leadership requires a lot of communication and collaboration. We still need to identify the right time to talk about it and celebrate our successes !
Daily:
Managing our mental load, for us, is done through a series of daily and seasonal rituals. Every day (or as needed), we take 15 minutes to unload our mind, take inventory of our needs (priorities), reconcile needs, revise our game plan and review our agenda. This agility allows us not to accumulate mental load and not to carry all of it with us during the day. It is also the best way to regain possession of our time and ensure that we take action within a reasonable time frame. We do it at work, so why not do it for the household as well?
2- You will look at your diaries.
This white time is the one we always forget to put in! So start by making room for these strategic moments in your daily life, individually and together. Also, don't forget to give yourself some personal white time for activities that are important to you and that are beneficial to you (according to your priorities) such as sports, going out with friends, family time, romantic time or your hobbies and entertainment. The important thing is that everyone feels that their needs are considered.
3- Shortcuts and help, you will grant yourself.
Next, look at your calendar and choose times for your family responsibilities during your work time. Is it overflowing? Think about breaking tasks into micro-tasks, using your transitions well, thinking about allowing yourself shortcuts or calling on outside help.
4- You will remain realistic in your expectations.
Desires and expectations are elastic, but time is mathematical. Did you know that it takes an average of 21 days to adopt a habit? There’s no point in trying to improve everything at once. Take it one habit at a time and remember that it’s okay to slip. Don’t beat yourself up (or each other up). Just keep practicing again and the habits will stick.
5- You will aim for satisfaction rather than perfection.
No one can do everything, all the time, and on time. Keep your agility, your learning spirit, and your sense of humor. The performance society is tough, but remember that what you are looking for is a sense of satisfaction: the satisfaction of knowing that the priority needs have been addressed. Relax, have fun, and give yourself time to unwind from the day. There will always be tomorrow to start again.
This blog post is part of our special “Parenting Team” feature. To view all the content of this feature, which offers you tips and advice on how to better work as a team as parents and effectively share the mental load, check out this article !