Post-COVID family adjustment

Oh boy! What a spring! Since March 12, our lives have changed completely. Our daily routines have been turned upside down, and many families have lost their bearings. The morning routine, daycare, school, work, the routine of coming home and going to bed… It's reassuring for kids, but for parents too!

A lot of parents have spent a lot, a lot (and I mean a LOT!) of time with their kids. Keeping the tribe busy, doing the daily chores (dishes, laundry, cleaning, meals, etc.), trying to keep up with schoolwork if the kids haven't gone back to school, trying to work from home… That has become the reality for many. Add the pressure, the fatigue, the anxiety, the stress of not knowing what lies ahead, and all the personal and outside factors; that's enough to make the days long… Doing all that while trying to keep your mental balance… is nothing short of a feat!

Many parents have felt overwhelmed, at the end of their rope. Many feel like they spend their time repeating themselves, squabbling and complaining… It feels like we're brooding on the dark side... We get caught in a negative cycle, and once we're in it with the kids, it can be hard to see how to get out. We think we're doing a lousy job and end up feeling guilty!

In this article, I'm offering you a few little tricks to give yourself a chance to get back on a positive course with your tribe when you feel you've caught your foot in the gears of a negative spiral!

Lower your standards

Giving yourself a little gentleness and being kind to yourself is pretty much the starting point. The dinner dishes aren't done? That can happen. The living room is in an indescribable state (the kind where you can't see the floor or the couch anymore)? That can happen too. Not everything is as good as we'd like it to be; is it really that serious? Yes and no! For me, getting up in the morning to a counter full of dishes means a horrible morning! I like to get up to a clean counter; it starts my day off on the right foot. During COVID, I picked my battles. I put my time and energy into somewhat more strategic places. So, some nights, the dishcloth did not win!

If your life has been turned upside down, your children's lives have been just as much. I often say my kids are emotion sponges. If I'm sad or angry, they pick up on it right away and let me feel it. It's the same when I'm tired or impatient. Their mood mirrors mine. By giving ourselves a chance and accepting that not everything is the way we pictured it, we allow ourselves a little breather. For us and for our kids.

Small steps

If you feel like you're punishing your kids a lot, try starting over from the basics. With the lockdown, I felt like my kids had completely forgotten the rules and the expectations I had. We were already on our vacation rhythm. When we had to get back into a certain routine, they reacted, of course.

We started over from the beginning. I gave shorter instructions. I lowered my expectations while we got back into the rhythm. Instead of asking them to tidy up the (monster mess reigning in my) living room, I gave each of them one small task. One took care of the pencils; one, the dinosaurs; one, the puzzles; the toddler picked up the blocks (as best he could).

Together, we got it done, but individually, they each had a smaller job. They saw the task as less daunting than if I had told them to put everything away.

Positive reinforcement, step by step

For some time now, I've been using the Belles Combines behaviour ladder. My oldest understood the principle super fast because he uses a similar system at school. My second, on the contrary, was strongly opposed to the tool. He wanted nothing to do with it and didn't understand that his behaviour had an impact on his pin. He was offended as soon as I moved it down because he had behaved badly.

So I decided to go by half-days. If the child stayed near the top (we decided the porcupine was our marker) in the morning, he earned a token for the General Store. Same for the afternoon. That set the bar lower for him. He felt the goal was within reach. Later, we moved up to a full day. With the return to school, that made sense.

Go with social reinforcement

In teaching, we rely heavily on social reinforcement. Encouraging kids and pointing out their efforts or successes pays off more, in the long run, than material rewards.

Often, when I ask my kids to do a task (or give an instruction), only one of them gets moving quickly. It's always the same one! I say so out loud (so his brothers can hear!), congratulating him and telling him how much I appreciate that he's doing his task or following the instruction. Before long, two of the others, even all three, copy the behaviour to earn my praise.

Clear, consistent expectations

With everything that has happened over the past few months, we were all in survival mode. At our house, stress and fatigue meant I was giving instructions without really asking myself whether they were clear or easy for my kids to understand. The lack of consistency meant that sometimes I asked for more, sometimes less. It was hard for my kids to have a reference point. Sometimes they got a consequence and sometimes not... Try as much as possible to be consistent and coherent in your requests and expectations.

I hope these little ideas will help you take a slightly more positive turn. Give yourselves time and, above all, allow yourselves some gentleness. For your kids and for you. We're going to get there, one small positive step at a time.

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