Holding their hand only when they need it: tips for developing autonomy

Like most parents, my children’s safety is at the top of my priorities. However, time and experience (that’s the nice way of saying I’m getting older, but that’s a good thing!) have made me understand that ensuring my children’s safety doesn’t necessarily mean having total control over their actions or sterilizing their environment.

Life with my little ones has made me realize that keeping them away from all dangers wasn't the way to ensure their safety. I was tempted to control everything when Louis, my first child, arrived. I really thought that was my role as a mother, but life quickly made me understand that I would exhaust myself and deprive my children of an incredible number of essential learnings for their proper development. That by continuing to do so, my child would miss out on essential learnings for their true safety.

Don't think that I now let my offspring play near unsupervised bodies of water or with old rusty nails. Far be it from me to put my children in danger, however, I believe that a small scratch teaches them a lot. Instead, I try to ensure that their environment is adapted to their developmental level and their ability to detect and measure risk. Maria Montessori said, "It is not a matter of abandoning the child to himself to do what he wants, but of preparing an environment where he can act freely." It's not an easy task, but it's a parental challenge that I find very rewarding.

Following this observation, I therefore made some changes in my way of thinking and doing. I was fortunate enough to have seven children, so I can tell you that Leo, the youngest, is growing up under the watchful eye of a calm and experienced mother! After reading the works of several fascinating psychologists and educational philosophers, I realized that the thing I needed to act on for my children to be safe was none other than themselves. In other words, I had to train my children to detect risks and give them the necessary tools so that they could protect themselves against dangers. Ève Hermann calls this "helping children to live" and I find this phrasing so perfect!

Unfortunately, as parents, we are not equipped with an autonomy detector, and determining if our child is autonomous enough to move to the next level is no small feat. I have found only one way to achieve this: observing my children. I spent a lot of time observing them WITHOUT intervening, just to see what their first reflexes are, their first reactions to certain situations. I let them put themselves in riskier positions, while being close by to intervene, of course. These moments of observation allow me to know where my child is in their development, and what freedom they are able to obtain. As Alice Mariette so aptly wrote in the last issue of Planète F Magazine, the question to ask is: "Does my child have the necessary skills to assume the independence or freedom of action that I am about to give them?"

Observing my children also allowed me to notice that they do nothing that represents a real risk for them. Surprisingly, I don't have to worry about them trying to climb in a risky place. Their ability to detect inappropriate situations and their awareness of their own limits surprise me. I know I can trust them and that they know their limits. In return for this trust I place in them, they do not seek to rebel or do inappropriate things as soon as my back is turned. This is how Simone, at the age of four, crossed a small river (very shallow though!) on a tree trunk. It must be said that dad built an obstacle course on which she practiced for a long time before succeeding. This is also how Louis, then eight years old, obtained his bike license to go for a ride alone in a restricted area around the house. Obviously, we had previously done many rides with him to learn bicycle safety rules, and he had to pass a test to get it (a small test that you can find here!)

None of my children gain a new freedom just because they are old enough now. Freedom comes when my observations and my assessment show me that they are ready to achieve it. But be careful, according to my observations and my OBJECTIVE assessment, and not according to my fears, my anxieties, or the opinions of those around me. They are beautiful to watch in their evolution, in the development of their autonomy. Because I know that I have given them the knowledge and skills necessary to fend for themselves, I am able to trust them, and this trust gives them wings. It shows!

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