Parental Authority - Choosing Benevolence

Many parents mistakenly believe that benevolent parenting is parenting without limits, where the parent must always listen to their child-king, their stories and all their emotions without limits. Fortunately, this is not the case. Benevolence is about looking after a child's well-being, and that well-being also involves "no's", "stops" and limits.

So, what differentiates benevolent parenting from authoritarian or permissive parenting?

In benevolent parenting, there's a lot of communication, exchange of viewpoints, trials, errors, and a lot, a lot of humility and acceptance. And this benevolence must first begin with oneself.

Recognizing imperfection

It's a challenge to recognize that we are imperfect beings. However, this recognition is beneficial because it means we feel less guilt and are more proactive in correcting problematic situations or mistakes made. What's more, not only will recognizing our imperfections make us feel better in our role as parents, but it will also make it easier for us to accept our children's imperfections. Our demands, thus modulated, will be better adapted to their level of development. Oh, how many episodes of stress, anguish and anxiety spared by the simple fact of recognizing ourselves as imperfect and ceasing to seek perfection! Yes, we make mistakes. Yes, we fail. So, let's go, we get back up, we readjust, and we move on to the next call. Rolling into a ball or beating ourselves up won't change anything, except to make us dwell on negative thoughts and reinforce a negative self-image.

Demonstrate humility

To remain in benevolent parenting, it is important that we are able to put aside our ego and be able to recognize our mistakes. First, for ourselves, this is the most effective way to improve. We cannot change what we do not recognize. Denying, deflecting, or trying to cover up our mistakes and inappropriate reactions only keeps us in that behavior pattern. Then, for our children, hearing a parent admit to making a mistake - this parent who is a God in the child's eyes - allows them to develop this humility as well. They see that an adult can make mistakes and that to correct them, it is important to acknowledge them and act accordingly.

Develop our acceptance

First, it must be said that acceptance is not at all synonymous with approval. When I speak of acceptance here, I mean recognizing the facts for what they are, observing them. We can't change what has happened. Refusing to do so leads to anger, and that anger builds nothing positive. It is therefore important to distinguish acceptance from approval.

When accepting, I focus my attention on the facts:

• I see that you hit your brother.
• I understand that you don't want to go anymore.
• I hear that it's not suitable for you.
• I see that you are angry.

Acknowledging this reality will allow the child to become aware of what is happening. Then comes your judgment of the behavior.

• However, I disapprove of this act of violence.
• Nevertheless, I consider it important that you keep your commitments.
• Despite that, I've decided that's where we're going.
• I refuse to let you throw your toys at me.

Since kindness begins with you, start by identifying 10 things you can do to make yourself feel good. Then, dedicate 30 minutes a day to doing them. It's not simple, you'll see, but if you apply yourself, you'll acquire a taste for it, you'll do yourself good, and once you're replenished, you'll feel less like you're giving to everyone and feeling empty when it's time for yourself.

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