In defence of free play and the time of childhood!

When my in-laws offered to pay for our oldest to take piano lessons, we hesitated for a long time. We really wanted our kids to learn music, but we were a little afraid of getting tied to the schedule of a regular class and losing our freedom (or at least what was left of it!). If Louis took piano, would we let Laurier play hockey, and Simone do figure skating? Truth be told, we had NO desire to sign our kids up for a string of extracurricular activities and add more tasks to our already very full schedule. Faced with Louis's enthusiasm, though, we ended up saying yes. But we took the opportunity to put a very strict family policy in place around signing up for extracurricular activities, the goal being to protect that freedom, that precious free time that lets us be together as a family.

This policy is based on four criteria:

• The activity must take place on a weekday.
• It must happen no more than once a week.
• The activity must take place in our town.
• Each child is allowed only one activity at a time.

In our often down-to-the-minute schedules, we very often end up stressed and tired. Insidiously, we find ourselves caught up in a kind of race for parenting excellence and, let's admit it, that's sometimes heavy to carry. In our effort to be good parents, I feel like we sometimes do too much! That by trying too hard to do well, we end up doing too much, and that, all things considered, we crowd out those little moments of availability for our kids: those little moments of freedom, far from stress, that are wonderful excuses for tenderness, creativity and spontaneity. Those lazy Saturday mornings spent being bored until noon, and finally deciding to walk to the park, stopping at the grocery store for some fruit and snacks to eat on the grass. Those moments when our kids will yell “Look, Mom!” 14 times, when we'll look up from our book for a few seconds to say “Great job!” and then dive back into our reading. Those moments that make our kids feel free! Because that feeling of freedom is, in my opinion, the very essence of childhood. It will leave them far too soon, with the arrival of new responsibilities, so we might as well preserve it for a few years.

Élisabeth Simard of the blog Ruban Cassette (in French), whom I just adore, put very beautiful words in her book “Vivre simplement,” on something that guides all my thinking: a kind of mantra that steers most of the decisions I make every day. She puts it like this: “I always keep in mind the reasons why I'm doing this: to be a calmer, more settled, more present mother.” It's to be that calmer, more settled, more present mother that I put this extracurricular sign-up policy in place. I know myself: when obligations are coming out of my ears because my mental load is so heavy and my brain is overheating under the weight of everything I have to think about, I'm not really available to my kids. I'm no longer that light, giggly mom who teases them, I'm no longer that loving partner who remembers to show her spouse little attentions; I become the stressed-out mother who hurries her little one along for fear of being late, who feels nobody is doing enough around the house, who has no tolerance for noise and squabbling, in short, who stresses everybody out!

When I take the time to enjoy these moments of freedom without trying to do more, when I let go of certain parenting expectations to live freely and just be with my kids, the whole house changes rhythm. Creating, playing, dreaming, telling stories, being bored in complete freedom, without “outside direction,” without wanting to “fill the void,” as Eve Herrmann (in French) puts it in her book Grandir Autrement. Let's not forget that free play is important, a rich source of learning for our kids. Play is not frivolous, quite the opposite. Through free play, children move a great deal and meet their needs for physical activity.

If you want your kids to play sports, leave balls, sports equipment, skipping ropes, bikes and scooters within their reach. Let them climb trees, jump over patio chairs, climb on a picnic table, build an obstacle course with logs. If you care about building their self-esteem and sportsmanship, play with them, don't always let them win, and celebrate their victories. For my part, I'm certain that if my kids are so cooperative, it's partly because of the availability I have for them. It's because of the freedom I give them, and the spontaneity I've developed thanks to the empty squares on our family planner. It's because I have the time and the leisure to listen to their “Look, Mom!” or their “Mom, come see!” It's because I have time (and patience) to get out the paint and brushes on Sunday morning to create art with them. It's because I'm not afraid to go play catch with a baseball with them (even though I'm really terrible at it! haha!). When I ask them to take part, they're much more cooperative; they fully realize that we, their parents, take part in their games, and that makes them want to return the favour. I think that's what's called family spirit.

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