How attachment shapes our relationships with others

This bond is lasting, meaning that once it's internalized, it can no longer be changed. Our attachment style stays with us throughout our lives. I want to point out that an insecure attachment bond isn't only the result of neglectful parents: a child with a more difficult temperament who expressed their needs less clearly, or a very anxious but loving parent, may also have had a negative influence on how this bond formed. So what matters most is identifying our attachment style so we can learn to live with it and adapt to it.

Here's what the scientific literature tells us about how the attachment bond shows up in later relationships. Hazan and Shaver (1987) classified individuals into three styles.

The secure style (secure attachment bond in childhood):

They have a positive view of interpersonal relationships and find it easy to connect with others. Barring special circumstances, their relationships don't cause them any worry. They generally have stable, solid and lasting friendships and romantic relationships.

The avoidant style (insecure-avoidant attachment bond in childhood):

They are reluctant to commit to relationships. In an intimate relationship, they tend to be more distant, less affectionate and often disengaged. They prefer to rely on themselves rather than team up with their partner.

The anxious style (insecure-ambivalent attachment bond in childhood):

They tend to be jealous in the relationships they form. They're more emotional in their interactions and quickly demand exclusivity from their partners, always afraid of losing them. They tend to become dependent on others more easily and react very strongly to rejection.

Studies by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver (2014, 2016), for their part, have shown that individuals with a secure attachment style in adulthood are more confident, find it easier to regulate their emotions, are more optimistic and resilient, and handle stressful situations better.

All in all, the research is clear: having developed a secure attachment style is a protective factor on a social and emotional level. However, if you notice traits in yourself that resemble the insecure style, the first step to keep them from affecting you negatively is to identify how you react in distressing situations and in your relationships, so you can start changing your inner dialogue. Working through this in therapy can be very helpful!

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Sources:

Hazan, C. and Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524. 

Mikulincer, M. and Shaver, P. R. (2014). The role of attachment security in adolescent and adult close relationships. In J. A. Simpson and L. Campbell (Eds.), Oxford handbook of close relationships. Oxford University Press. 

Mikulincer, M. and Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.