Holding their hand only when they need it: tips for building independence

Like most parents, my children's safety is at the top of my priorities. However, time and experience (that's the nice way of saying I'm getting older, but in a good way!) have taught me that keeping my children safe doesn't necessarily mean controlling their every move or sterilizing their environment.

Life with my little ones made me realize that keeping them away from every possible danger wasn't the way to keep them safe. I was certainly tempted to control everything when Louis, my first child, came along. I truly believed that was my role as a mother, but life quickly showed me that I would wear myself out and deprive my kids of an incredible number of lessons that are vital to their healthy development. And that if I kept it up, my child would miss out on learning that's essential to his real safety.

Don't get me wrong: I don't let my offspring play near water unsupervised now, or with rusty old nails. The last thing I want is to put my kids in danger, but I do believe a little scrape teaches them a lot. Instead, I try to make sure their environment is suited to their developmental stage and to their ability to spot and gauge risk. As Maria Montessori said, “It is not a matter of abandoning the child to himself so he can do as he pleases, but of preparing an environment in which he can act freely.” It's no small task, but it's a parenting challenge I find very rewarding.

After that realization, I changed a few things in the way I think and do things. I've been lucky enough to have seven children, so I can tell you that Léo, our newest arrival, is growing up under the watchful eye of a calm, experienced mom! After reading the work of several psychologists and education philosophers, each more fascinating than the last, I understood that the thing I needed to work on to keep my children safe was none other than my children themselves. In other words, I had to train my children to spot risks and give them the tools they need to protect themselves from danger. Ève Hermann calls this being “an aid to life” for children, and I find that phrasing just per-fect!

Unfortunately, we parents don't come equipped with an independence-level detector, and figuring out whether our child is independent enough to move up to the next level is no easy feat. I've found only one way to do it: watching my kids. I've spent a huge amount of time observing them WITHOUT stepping in, just to see what their first instincts and first reactions are in certain situations. I've let them get into riskier positions, while staying close by to step in, of course. These moments of observation tell me where my child is in their development, and how much freedom they're ready for. As Alice Mariette put it so well in the latest issue of Planète F magazine, the question to ask yourself is: “Does my child have the skills needed to handle the independence or freedom of action I'm about to give them?”

Watching my kids has also shown me that they don't do anything that poses a real risk to them. Surprisingly, I don't have to worry about them trying to climb somewhere dangerous. I'm amazed by their ability to spot unsafe situations and by how aware they are of their own limits. I know I can trust them and that they know their limits. In return for the trust I give them, they don't try to rebel or get up to mischief the moment my back is turned. That's how Simone, at four years old, crossed a small river (a very shallow one, mind you!) on a tree trunk. I should mention that Dad built an obstacle course that she practised on for a long time before she managed it. It's also how Louis, at eight, earned his bike licence to ride around on his own within a limited area around the house. Of course, we went on lots of rides with him beforehand so he could learn the rules of bike safety, and he had to pass a test to get it (a little test you'll find right here!)

None of my kids gets a new freedom just because they're big enough now. Freedom comes when my observations and assessment show me they're ready for it. But mind you, I mean my OBJECTIVE observations and assessment, not my fears, my worries or the opinions of the people around me. It's beautiful to watch them grow and become more independent. Because I know I've given them the knowledge and skills they need to manage on their own, I'm able to trust them, and that trust gives them wings. And it shows!

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