Brothers and sisters: 20 keys to lasting complicity

As you know, relationships between children are fascinatingly complex, not to say disconcerting. One moment, they share a fit of knowing laughter, and the next minute, an argument breaks out over a toy, a misinterpreted remark or some other peccadillo of the sort. It's true that it's exhausting, this daily emotional dance between brothers and sisters, but the good news is that it's one of the richest dynamics there is. In this text, we give you some keys to learn how to dance with them. From cries of joy to tears of frustration, through moments of tenderness (sometimes subtle but often present), your children live a real emotional adventure together that will shape their personality for life. Think of those moments when you catch them whispering and laughing together, sharing their secrets away from our parental ears. This unique bond that is woven day after day is precious. They develop an intimate knowledge of each other that no one else will ever be able to match. They know exactly how to make the other laugh, what annoys them, what comforts them. This exceptional closeness often becomes, over time, an invaluable support in their lives. The age difference between your children naturally creates special dynamics that can be difficult for you, as parents, to manage. You may worry about their rivalries or jealousies. However, these age differences also offer wonderful opportunities. Observe your eldest child patiently explaining to his little brother how to ride a bike, or your youngest child proudly showing her big sister her latest discovery. These moments of mutual learning are precious for their development. But you still have to give them the time and opportunity to experience these moments. Each sibling group writes its own story, with its own particularities and unique beauty. Perhaps you have noticed how your eldest daughter naturally takes care of her little brothers, or how your youngest son admires and imitates his big brother? These relationships are constantly evolving. What may seem like a source of conflict today may become the basis of a deep bond tomorrow. Over the years, if you pay attention, you will see the balance of power gradually balance out, giving way to more mature and enriching relationships. The crucial role of parents in sibling harmony As a parent, you’re probably wondering how to foster healthy relationships between your children. Recent research is shedding some fascinating light on this question, highlighting two key elements: the strength of the overall family bond and the fairness in the treatment of children. This finding may confirm what you already suspected: how you interact with your children profoundly influences how they interact with each other. But what does fairness in treating our children really mean? It is not a mathematical equality where each child receives exactly the same amount of time, privileges, or responsibilities. Rather, fairness is like a conductor who allows each instrument to shine according to its nature, while creating overall harmony. It is adapting our expectations and privileges to the age and abilities of each child, while maintaining a comparable level of affection and attention. Imagine, for example, a parent who takes the time to play with their older child while also including the younger one, naturally adapting the activity so that each child can participate and have fun according to their abilities. Or think of the parent who listens with equal attention to the school stories of their different children, showing that each experience matters to them. These seemingly simple moments build the foundations of a united sibling group. What really matters is consistency and fairness in applying the rules, and demonstrating equal love to each child. When parents maintain this consistency together, they create a sense of security and fairness that strengthens the bonds between siblings. The challenge for parents is therefore to create together an environment where each child feels uniquely valued and deeply loved, while understanding that parental love, like a benevolent sun, shines equally on the entire family. It is in this climate of trust and fairness that sibling bonds can flourish naturally. Questions to guide your parenting thinking As parents, it can be difficult to take a step back from our daily practices. Here are some essential questions to ask yourself regularly to evaluate your approach: Am I really listening to each of my children? Notice whether you are paying similar attention to each child’s stories. Do you notice a tendency to interrupt one child more often than the other, or to show more interest in one child’s stories? How do I react to conflicts? Become aware of your reflexes: do you tend to always agree with one person rather than the other? Or perhaps you systematically avoid intervening? Are my expectations appropriate for each child? Think about your expectations: are they adjusted to the age and abilities of each child? For example, do you sometimes expect your youngest child to be as independent as their older child was at the same age? How do I value each child’s success? Think about how you celebrate success: Do you give equal importance to the small, everyday victories of each child? Do academic successes take precedence over other types of accomplishments? Am I consistent in applying the rules? Examine your reactions to transgressions: do the same behaviors lead to the same consequences, regardless of the child? If the rules differ depending on the age, do you take the time to explain why? Do I foster moments of complicity? Observe how you organize family time: do you create opportunities for your children to share positive experiences? Do you take the time to highlight their moments of successful cooperation? These questions are not meant to make you feel guilty, but to help you become aware of some perhaps unconscious patterns. Remember that the goal is not perfection, but rather a continuous progression towards more harmonious family relationships. The key is to stay aware and adjust regularly. If you notice imbalances, this is an opportunity to make small, positive changes. The important thing is to maintain open communication with your children and stay in tune with their individual needs while maintaining family harmony. Practical solutions Establishing a fair framework The distribution of tasks When each child feels that their contribution is fair and valued, feelings of jealousy naturally diminish. Create an age-appropriate chore chart Ensure a load proportional to capacities Valuing everyone’s contribution Alternate responsibilities The system of privileges A balance between individual and collective recognition allows each child to feel special while strengthening the family unit. Create individual “special moments” Create collective family rewards Balancing individual privileges and communal celebrations Explain age-related treatment differences Promote natural interactions Free play Unstructured play times are essential for developing creativity and the ability to resolve conflicts independently. Reserve daily time slots Create suitable spaces Limit organized activities Encourage pretend play Brotherly mutual aid When children help each other, they develop empathy and mutual pride, naturally strengthening their bonds. Promoting the role of the elder as teacher Recognizing the cadet's progress Highlighting moments of mutual support Create mutual learning situations Structuring family life Family rules Clear rules that are understood by all create a feeling of security and justice that fosters fraternal cooperation. Create a visible “family code” Involve children in making rules Organize family meetings for adjustments Maintain transparency in changes Family rituals Family rituals create shared memories and a sense of belonging that transcends everyday rivalries. Establish regular weekly activities Create special traditions Plan individual time with each child Celebrating shared successes Conclusion: The keys to success Success in strengthening brotherly bonds is based on: Consistency Consistent application of rules Maintaining established routines Regularity in family rituals Patience Acceptance of the time needed for change Understanding natural challenges Recognition of the uniqueness of each sibling group The balance Between freedom and supervision Between individual and collective moments Between rules and flexibility The goal is not to eliminate all conflict, but to create an environment where children can develop positive, lasting relationships, while acquiring essential social skills for their future lives.

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Brothers and sisters: 20 keys to lasting complicity

09 February, 2025