Developing empathy and first friendships in 3- to 5-year-olds

So here are a few tips to help you support your preschooler as they develop empathy and their first real friendships.

What is empathy at this age?

Empathy is the ability to understand and feel other people's emotions. But between the ages of 3 and 5, this skill is still under construction.

What your child can do:

• Recognize basic emotions in others (happy, sad, mad)
• Start to understand that others have thoughts and desires different from their own
• Offer their lovey to a friend who is crying

What is still hard:

• Understanding complex emotions (disappointment, jealousy, embarrassment)
• Truly putting themselves in someone else's shoes (egocentrism is still present)
• Managing their own emotions AND other people's at the same time

Empathy develops with time and practice, and your role in this learning is crucial.

How to build empathy day to day

1. Name emotions (their own and other people's)

If your child sees another child crying at the park, don't hesitate to talk to them about it, saying for example: “Did you notice that little boy is crying? He looks sad. I wonder what happened. Maybe he fell or lost his toy.”

This approach lets you teach your child to observe other people's emotions and to think about possible causes.

2. Read stories and talk about the characters

Books are extraordinary tools for building empathy.

So, as you read, take time to ask questions:

• “How do you think the character feels?”
• “Why is he sad/mad/happy?”
• “What would you do in their place?”
• “How could you help?”

These questions encourage your child to step into someone else's shoes, a fundamental skill of empathy.

3. Model empathy yourself

Since your child is constantly watching you, it's important to model the behaviours you want to see them adopt.

Examples of modelling empathy:

• “I can see Daddy is tired tonight. We could help him by picking up the toys.”
• “Your sister is crying because she hurt herself. Let's go see if she needs a hug.”
• “The man at the grocery store looked like he was in a hurry. It was kind of us to let him go ahead of us.”

Verbalize your empathetic thought process. Your child learns by listening to how you think about others.

4. Encourage acts of kindness

When your child does something empathetic, even something small, point it out:

“You shared your truck with your friend because you saw he looked sad about not having a toy. That's very kind!”

First friendships: what's normal at this age

What do preschool friendships look like?

Typical characteristics:

• They change quickly: the best friend at the start of the week isn't always the same one at the end!
• They're based on proximity.
• They're centred on activities: “we're friends because we play cars together.”
• Conflicts are frequent.

Of course, all of these characteristics are perfectly normal at this age. Deep, stable friendships will come later, usually around age 6 or 7.

Common social challenges

1. Sharing

Between 3 and 5, sharing is still VERY hard.

How to help:

• Give a time frame: “You can play with the truck for 5 more minutes, then it will be Thomas's turn.”
• Encourage trading: “Could you trade your truck for his shovel?”
• Sometimes respect the “no”: Your child has the right not to share certain toys of their choosing.

2. Exclusion

Of course, it can be hard for a child (and their parent!) to be left out of the group.

If your child is being excluded:

• Validate the emotion: “It's really sad when your friends don't want to play with you.”
• Offer solutions: “You could ask if they want to play something else? Or find another friend to play with?”
• Don't force other children to include them.

If your child excludes others:

• Teach inclusion: “How do you think Sophie feels when you tell her she can't play with you?”
• Suggest alternatives: “You can play just the two of you now, but after snack, maybe Sophie could join you?”

3. Squabbles

Of course, conflicts are inevitable and... beneficial! By handling small conflicts now, your child learns to handle bigger ones later.

Your role:

• Let them try to sort out the conflict first (obviously, if no one is in danger).
• Step in as a mediator if necessary: “You both want the same toy. How could we sort this out?”
• Teach useful phrases: “I don't like it when you take my toy. Can you please give it back?”

You can also offer them this handy printable to help them out.

Activities to build empathy and friendships

1. Role-play

Play “pretend” with social scenarios:

• Doctor comforting a patient
• Grocer being kind to customers
• Animals helping each other

2. Cooperative games

Choose games where children win or lose together rather than against one another:

• Building a tower together
• Age-appropriate cooperative board games
• Team obstacle courses

3. Playdates

Organize get-togethers with one or two friends at a time.

Tips for successful playdates:

• Short duration (1 to 2 hours maximum for 3- to 4-year-olds)
• Prepared environment (toys to share on hand)
• Discreet but present supervision
• Snack planned (it often helps ease tensions!)

Key takeaways

Developing empathy and friendships between ages 3 and 5 is:

• A gradual process that takes time
• Full of trial, error and learning
• Supported by your example, your guidance and your patience

Your child is learning to:

• Recognize and name emotions
• Understand that others have needs different from their own
• Share (even if it's hard!)
• Handle small conflicts
• Develop their first real friendships

These social and emotional skills are just as important as learning letters and numbers. In fact, they're the foundation of healthy relationships for life! ❤️