Being a father today

Let's forget right away the traditional image we may have had of the father as a breadwinner who was barely there for his kids. Studies prove it: over the past few decades, fathers have become more and more involved in family life, at every level. The way parents share tasks is less and less based on gender, and in fact, even the parental leave offered by the Québec Parental Insurance Plan (QPIP) is increasingly popular with fathers. This perfectly illustrates the commitment of today's fathers, including the ones who agreed to share their experience of fatherhood with me, with all the challenges, beauty and great pride it brings.

Dads who show up

From the moment their children are born, Quebec dads are showing up more and more. In 2021, they took an average of 10 weeks of QPIP benefits, a record high for the program! That said, some fathers take the entire parental leave, as Jean-François did. Now 42, he's the father of four boys and stepfather to two more. He took the whole parental leave in 2005 after his second child was born, and he says it was an incredibly rich experience that let him be there for all of his son's “firsts.” “You don't miss a single moment!” he exclaims. “The first steps, the first words... Things you can easily miss when your child is in daycare.”

Martin did the same in 2020 with his adopted daughter, whom he welcomed into his home through the DPJ's banque mixte (a foster-to-adopt program run by Quebec's youth protection services) when she was nine months old. For the first two months, he and his partner were both at home, then Martin stayed home alone with the little girl full-time for another ten months. He remembers going completely gaga over this baby who was babbling, discovering solid foods and learning to sit up. Moments as precious as they were demanding. Toward the end of the year, with very little adult contact, he felt socially isolated, as is often the case for parents on parental leave. The resources and activities offered at the Carrefour familial, his neighbourhood family resource centre, were a lifesaver. “It really saved me, and it helped me build a network in my neighbourhood,” he confides. “I met other parents with kids the same age. It let me talk with people who understood what I was going through.”

The challenges

Being this involved with your kids comes with its share of challenges. While parents of young children are constantly adapting, the teenage years also seem to be a delicate time for fathers, as Stéphane can attest. He has been separated from his former partner for four years and shares custody of his 13-year-old son. “What I find hard is maintaining some form of authority while seeing that he needs to be treated a bit more like an adult,” he says of his son. “It's a period of transition: we're both redefining ourselves right now.” If Stéphane finds it hard to play the role of authority figure, he's far from the only one.

According to the Institut de la statistique du Québec (Quebec's statistics agency), 20% of Quebec parents find it hard to set limits and handle discipline. Even so, Stéphane is adamant: for him, “loving means setting limits.”

Fatigue also comes up among the challenges of parenting, echoing data showing that 35% of Quebec parents are exhausted by the time dinnertime rolls around. Jean-François, who had his first two children in his early twenties and his last two in his forties, also notices that his energy isn't what it used to be. “With my first two, when I got home from work, I could play a game of soccer. Now, I'll grab a seek-and-find book. (…) And often, when I go to put the little one to sleep, I fall asleep with him.”

Beyond the fatigue, how has fatherhood changed these involved men? For Martin, since his daughter became his priority, it has pushed him to set firmer boundaries at work. Jean-François says becoming a father settled him down and gave him balance and a sense of being useful. As for Stéphane, he notes that fatherhood has made him more clear-sighted and changed the way he sees himself. “A child is a mirror in so many ways. Your actions, who you are, it all ends up having an impact on them. It makes me think a lot. Especially about what I pass on without meaning to.”

Legacy and pride

Passing things on is, without a doubt, at the heart of what matters to the three fathers I met. Passing on their values, their passions. Giving their child the best of themselves and seeing who that child becomes: that's what makes them proud. Martin is completely fascinated by his growing daughter. “She's a happy, lively, curious child who asks questions... She didn't get that from the neighbours!” he says, with emotion. “It comes from us. Our way of passing things on is bearing fruit. We plant seeds, and the more she grows, the more she blossoms. That's what makes me proudest.”

These dads aren't just proud: they're loving and loved, and that unconditional love enriches their everyday lives. Despite the challenges, fatherhood is a source of great happiness for them, right down to the smallest things. “When they see me,” Jean-François says of his kids, “they come and jump into my arms. Just that moment, nothing beats it.”

If these conversations are anything to go by, the dads of 2024 are present and invested. Passionate about their role. And, I'd even say, touching.

https://statistique.quebec.ca/fr/produit/publication/portrait-parents-et-experience-parentale (in French)

https://statistique.quebec.ca/fr/document/etre-parent-au-quebec-2022/publication/portrait-parents-et-experience-parentale (in French)

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