Why do your children lie to you?

Don't feel guilty, it's perfectly human to lie. We lie to avoid hurting ourselves, hurting others, or to make ourselves look better. Is it good? Is it bad? I'm not here to praise or demonize lying. It's up to each person to ask their own personal questions and establish their own values ​​in order to live in resonance with them. For my part, I advocate honesty, in the sense that I strive to be as honest as possible even when it's difficult, painful, or when I risk losing face. It's a real challenge, but this challenge is bearing fruit with my children. Do I always succeed? Absolutely! (This is the first and only lie you'll find in this post.)

But what about children? Why do they lie? It's important to know that at different stages of development, children resort to lying for different reasons: from 3 to 6 years old, because they confuse reality and imagination, and from 7 to 12 years old, out of fear of suffering or to express a desire.

3-6 years: Confusion of reality and imagination or confabulation

During this period, the child expresses their desires by telling them as real situations, as in their "pretend I'm..." games and in discussions with their imaginary friend. For them, this represents an impression that this imagined desire becomes, for an instant, a reality; a desire to have more power, to have a dog, to no longer have a little brother...

Expression of their dreams

These are not lies per se, but rather confabulations that express their desires, wishes, shortcomings, and needs. These confabulations are useful for the development of their psyche. Obviously, in a family context, it will be useful for the child to be supported so that they can learn to express their dreams in such a way that they are not expressed as a reality, but as a dream. For example, when Nils says there's a big shark in Grandpa's pool, perhaps he likes to scare himself by imagining sharks at the bottom of the pool, or he'd like his father to be punished by a shark, or he'd like to go fishing. It is this desire that we must try to discover rather than simply telling him he is lying. Try variations like: "Do you like to imagine there are big sharks in the pool? And, in your opinion, why should the shark bite Dad's foot?"

Imaginary friend

For some children, confabulation also takes the form of an imaginary friend who calms them, saves them, or fills their loneliness. They can talk to them about their troubles and worries, and the feeling of being accompanied can help them face temporary difficulties. This imaginary friend sometimes takes the form of a peer on whom they can blame a misdeed, and other times, they resemble an older sister, an older brother, an aunt, or a grandma. It is a reassuring and protective figure onto whom they project their experiences and feelings. This creation of their mind is not a sign of madness, even if it may seem strange to you. There's no need to tell them this friend doesn't exist. Play along: ask your child to make room for them in the car, ask this imaginary friend to cooperate because it's time to leave for daycare. Don't worry, this friend will disappear on their own around age six.

7 to 12 years: Fear of suffering

At this age, reason develops. Children distinguish right from wrong, and they are aware of their lies in the sense that they no longer merge with the imaginary world. At this stage, lies have other functions: avoiding suffering or expressing a desire. The child wants to avoid suffering themselves out of fear of punishment from their parents, or suffering from being rejected or feeling uninteresting in the eyes of others. They also want to avoid seeing others suffer because of them, because of the truth they might reveal, because they've been taught that mean children make others suffer. By avoiding suffering to others, they don't feel mean.

Fear of disappointing their parents

Children are sensitive to their parents' emotions. They know very well what causes pain or sorrow for mom and dad. For example, a child of newly separated parents might lie about their mom's new partner to avoid seeing their dad sad. Your reaction is probably something like, "But why are they doing this? They know I'll find out eventually! I'll run into their mother one day." Simply because they don't anticipate long-term. Children live in the here and now. Reconsider how you react to "bad news." If you tend to be reactive (Oh! I wish I hadn't known!), your children are undoubtedly afraid of being the cause of your suffering. Don't scold them for saying what they thought was right. Instead, guide them on a more appropriate way to express their thoughts and develop their empathy.

Fear of disappointing others

To please others, children quickly learn not to tell the truth, even if it comes out of their mouth. What was your reaction when your child told Auntie they didn't like her cooking? When they told Grandma they didn't like the birthday gift? I bet you exclaimed, "That's not nice to say! You don't say those things!" At that precise moment, your child learned that not all truth is useful to tell. Lacking a filter to determine what should be withheld, not being quick-witted enough to dodge a question like "So, do you like this toy?", they learned to lie to please. Help them formulate their tastes, preferences, and desires constructively. Don't scold them for saying what they thought. Instead, guide them on a more appropriate way to express their thoughts and develop their empathy: "If I didn't like a drawing you gave me, would you like me to tell you it's awful?", "How would you like me to tell you?", or "Even though you don't like the gift, are you happy that Grandma thought of you?".

Fear of being scolded or punished

Your children know what will earn them a punishment. And, let's face it, no one likes to be caught out and punished. If that were the case, we wouldn't need police officers, as all traffic offenders would go straight to the ticket office, confess to running a red light, pay the fine, and go home. So, if there's a way to avoid punishment, both children and adults will choose to use it. Of course, today, when you make a mistake, you have constructive ways to fix it: you repay the damages caused, you discuss the situation honestly with those involved, you assume your decisions even if they are unpopular. Children, however, do not have this maturity and, above all, they may not have had the opportunity to experience these constructive methods if they are punished.

Just like me, you know very well that your child is lying to you. The question is whether you should fight with them to always get the truth. Rather than getting angry and putting them in time-out, lecturing them, depriving them of dessert or play time, try to stay calm. Instead, try to understand the motivations behind their action and support them so that, first, they can fix their action and, second, they can find an alternative to this action if the opportunity arises again. This way, they will know that, although you don't approve of what they did, they can turn to you for help in correcting the situation and learning for the future.

Fear of losing face or being uninteresting to others

During this period, the child likes to feel that they are part of a group and identifies with their peers. They understand their role and seek to gain self-esteem to be accepted. It is therefore not surprising to see them exaggerate their sports results or come up with a flimsy excuse for a bad game. To appear interesting, they may invent outlandish stories, crazy adventures they claim to have experienced, and add some false details to your last family trip to impress the crowd. Embellishing the truth occasionally is one thing. Personally enhancing oneself by telling fabricated stories should lead you to investigate further. It is very possible that your child has very little self-confidence, for various reasons that it will be useful to identify in order to help them develop healthily. Professional help may be useful in this situation. Do not hesitate to consult.

The whole truth, and nothing but the truth

1. Take a deep breath and stay calm: getting upset will be another opportunity for your child to lie; stay calm and try to understand their motivations and point of view.
2. Close the door to lying: don't ask trick questions to gauge your child's honesty; discuss the situation with them.
3. Value honesty: acknowledge the courage they showed in telling the truth; it takes self-confidence to be honest.
4. Encourage reparation: avoid punishment; when possible, offer them the opportunity to make amends. Otherwise, discuss with them the effects of their lie on them, on others, and on their environment, and see how they intend to avoid this type of situation in the future.
5. Show your love: make sure your child knows that you love them unconditionally despite the unacceptable actions that have been taken. "Although I do not approve of your behavior at all, although I don't like what you did, I love you."

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