10 logical consequences for not “really” punishing kids

What's the difference between a punishment and a consequence?

Generally, punishments (not letting a child go out, sending them to their room, taking away video games, confiscating their bike, etc.) have no connection to the inappropriate behaviour. They work for a certain period, but (from experience!) we notice that over time, children become immune to them. In other words, there comes a time when they just don't care! Punishments also don't allow the child to improve and, at the same time, send a strange message: “You did something I didn't like, so I'll make you unhappy in return!” A consequence, on the other hand, is the logical result of the inappropriate behaviour. If you don't put on your mittens, your hands will be cold. If you're not careful with your bike, it will eventually break and you'll have to do without it. I do sometimes use punishments (like everyone!), but they come when logical consequences no longer work or when the inappropriate behaviour is very serious. Then we need a big jolt to get across that it's downright unacceptable.

What consequences should I apply?

It's not always easy to apply a logical consequence in the heat of the moment. Sometimes you have to think, and when you're angry, that's no easy task. I suggest making a short list of behaviours you'd like to correct in your children and thinking about what logical consequence could follow from each. Out of ideas? Here's some inspiration!

 

10 ideas for logical consequences

• Is your child disruptive at the table and not following the rules?

Ask them to eat alone at the kitchen counter. Explain that your job as a parent is to make sure family mealtime is harmonious and enjoyable for everyone.

• Did they break something because they were misbehaving?

Have them pay for the broken item. No money in their piggy bank? The next time they ask you to rent a movie, buy a new app on the tablet, go on an outing or anything else, say no, telling them that unfortunately the available money went to replacing the broken item.

• Did they go over their allotted TV or computer time despite your requests?

Deduct that time from their next video game or TV session, explaining that it's your job to make sure they don't spend too much time in front of screens.

• Did they skip the chores you asked for all week long?

Have them make up all of them once the weekend comes. Help them understand that chores have to be done at least once a week, no matter when.

• Are they deliberately leaving a brother or sister out of a game?

Ask them to go play alone in their room. Explain that if we don't want to play with someone, we can take ourselves out of the game.

• Do they enjoy making their little sister scream?

Have them go to bed a little earlier, since that behaviour suggests they need more sleep.

• Do they leave all their toys lying around to start a new activity?

Make them stop what they're doing and ask them to tidy up before they can go back to their activity.

• Are they wasting your time by goofing around during homework and study time?

Ask them to help you make up for the lost time by helping you cook the meal or clean the bathroom.

• Were they mean or rude to someone else?

Ask for a gesture to make amends (an apology letter, a drawing, etc.). Psst! There are plenty in the Cool-Down Kit from Les Belles Combines.

• Are they slow to fall asleep, playing and chatting for ages despite your warnings?

Put them to bed earlier, telling them that this way they'll have time to play and chat before falling asleep without missing out on sleep.

 

Discipline, a matter of balance

Caring parenting is, for me, a matter of balance. Consequences and punishments have to be part of that balance. As Mitsiko Miller, author of the French-language book “Découvrir la parentalité positive,” puts it, “positive parenting means giving our children the chance to be captains of their own ship in the face of every challenge. It means being able to give them tools so that they become resourceful, responsible and empathetic.” For English-speaking families, try Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, which also looks at positive parenting and logical consequences. Disciplining our children means giving them the skills they need to move through a world where actions have consequences and where respect for oneself and others is very important.

 

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